After wandering again, lost, I settled into a hostel in Playa del Carmen not too far from the action but far enough I’m not trying to sleep during the action.
I got the first bus to Tulum and am Enroute. Somehow I thought 5 pm would still be light but as we pull away the sun has already set behind the buildings. It will definitely be dark upon arrival. Fuck.
I’m not sure what I thought I was getting into. As a matter of fact I was clueless. Upon arrival here I feel more alone than ever. My first experience in a hostel as I chose to pay extra for my own room last night. I somehow expected folks to be a bit more friendly and outgoing. Never sure if I’m just a intimidating asshole, uninteresting shy guy or just sending out bad vibes because I’m still trying to orient and ground myself.
Regardless it’s with great sadness I sit on this bus. Bummed to see my first temple drowned in artificial lights. It doesn’t help my sadness that the attractive American girl chose not to sit next to me when only four seats remained.
I keep reminding myself this trip isn’t about meeting women but concentrating on my own personal transformative journey (free of psychedelics). Thankfully the universe has stamped my status on my forehead cuz I ain’t getting no second glances.
The reflection the world has been showing me the past few weeks is how I show up (or don’t). I see where I chose to enjoy the last week in Santa Barbara playing around: getting intoxicated, watching movies, meeting up with friends and having a few first dates.
The result is that I arrived overpacked and unprepared. In many ways I’m glad I didn’t spend my time researching guatemala because there’s no guarantee that I’ll even make it there on this trip…
Tomorrow I’m planning to go to chichen itza by way of the tourist package. So far I’ve been doing exactly what I claimed I would avoid: being immersed in high tourist areas, not interacting with anyone or anything in a meaningful way. I look out the window at the I I forest that presents itself as an impenetrable green wall and want to just walk in 100 yards and setup camp. I know better, though, and promised my friends and family I wouldn’t do anything stupid. Camping in an unknown territory 30 minutes before dark with no equipment definitely qualifies as stupid.
Stupid. That’s what I call myself for buying this bus ticket. Especially because on of the most powerful parts of this temple is the aqua blue water it presides over. Today I feel like more of an idiot than most people perceive me as on my worst days.
I share this not for a pity party, but to vulnerably reveal my inner workings in hopes exposing myself will help me to break patterns. I wish it could happen some other way. But then I am reminded of a quote from the Matrix Reloaded:
No, what happened, happened and couldn’t have happened any other way…
How do you know?
Because… we are still alive.
I can’t remember the last time I did qigong. I did some pushups in my hotel room before check out. Certainly have been getting enough exercise with all the walking. And yet, my bodymind wants to reconnect with the purest part of me that I am…